It happens again.
I know it will. I train for it, recertify every two years for advanced cardiac life support, I am at the ready…but, I am never ready.
Not when it’s a baby that needs CPR.
It goes against the natural order of things. It is not a 90 year old, ready to let go. It’s a person who hasn’t had a single birthday party yet. Throughout the entire ordeal I’m sure the babe is going to bounce back. We used to say, “These little people are made of rubber.” Made to bounce back from whatever life threw at them. That’s what we used to say.
Minute after minute of this crucial hour we try. Optimism in the glance at the monitor. Oxygen forcing hope with every breath. Rage at the nonresponse. My heart sinks and every adrenalin drenched beat hammers my core.
I try to process the pain of this loss but the depth of it escapes me. I’ve free falling tears but my shield is in place because I know it will happen again.